When one ponders the fascinating substance commonly referred to as Jell-O, one’s immediate thoughts probably do not turn to Magic. But as with any good analogy, it’s necessary to focus on the similarities and avoid the differences. Besides, when The Tome first opened its doors, Iakae specifically stated he didn’t want three page articles dedicated to pudding. And being the smart-ass that I am, I wondered how far I could push this envelope. So before you lays the wonderfulness that is, Magic is a lot like Jell-O.

While dining in a Wendy’s just inside of Kentucky, a friend on mine leaned over and said, “Kentucky is a lot like Mexico.” [No offense to anyone living in either Kentucky or Mexico.] No, he wasn’t drunk. And he tried in vain to defend his statement, while the rest of us looked at him like he was indeed a moron. I hope that this article makes at least slightly more sense than his raving lunacies (Chris Metzger, wherever you are in that great state of Texas, we love you.).

Think of your current Magic deck as a bowl full of Jell-O. But don’t eat it. It’s very important that you don’t eat it. I know you want to. But don’t. Anyway, your spells and creatures are the flavored gelatin. Your lands are the little pieces of fruit in suspended animation within the gelatin. Okay, hold on to this concept. This analogy will be used throughout the rest of my ramblings.

We all know “There’s always room for Jell-O.” Just like there’s always room for another game of Magic. See the connections? I thought so. In the same vein, most of the time you can always come up with another spell or creature you want to throw into that new deck. But how often do you think, “Gee, I really want to add more land”? See, there’s not always room for Fruit. Okay there is that notable exception where, rumor has it, during the days of Academy/Stroke decks, folks would show up with 2000 card decks, 1800 of them being lands. But that’s the exception.

The key is finding the appropriate Jell-O to fruit ratio. This article will not tackle that issue, because to be honest, I couldn’t tell you. My ability to tweak a deck, and calculate if I really need that extra mountain or the 4th Shock is rather lacking. So I’ll stick with broad generalizations and general comments. Someone else can come up with a specific recipe.

Okay, here’s where we begin to stretch the metaphor a bit. Just a bit. Some fruits go better with different flavors of Jell-O. They just do. I wouldn’t add bananas to green Jell-O. That’s gross. But pineapple? Oh, yeah. In the same manner, you don’t add mountains to your all white deck. That’s just silly. So you need the right mix. Some Jell-O works really well with a slew of fruit cocktail mixed in. These are mostly Type 1 bowls of Jell-O. Other types of Jell-O really only want one kind of fruit. Or maybe throw in a couple cherries along with the pineapple, or something.

Which brings us to non-basic forms of fruit. “Dual fruits” are obvious—those pineapple/orange crossbreeds that act as both. Sometimes they cause you a point of digestion damage, but they’re okay. But then there are those fruits that might be restricted, but the bowl of Jell-O depends heavily on them. Thawing Glaciers, Tolarian Academy, or even Library of Alexandria. Think of these as neither the fruit, nor the Jell-O. Their relationship is much closer to the Fig in Figgy Pudding. Everyone wants the bowl that has the fig in it. Or like when small children share a can of fruit cocktail and fight over the cherries. The Academy is especially like the extra special Fig, while other lands fit the Cherry category.

But really good Jell-O might also have Cool Whip. Again, these are most likely Type I bowls of Jell-O, although some forms of non-dairy whipped cream can also be found in almost every other format. These are cards that produce fruit-like mana, but aren’t lands. Llanowar Elves, Dark Rituals, Moxen, Sol Ring. Cards that add some spunk to the Jell-O mix. These cards have to be factored in when designing a truly wonderful bowl of Jell-O. If you’re adding whipped cream, perhaps cut back on the fruit. If your opening bowl is all fruit and non-dairy ready whip, it’s not really a bowl of Jell-O, is it? In the same manner, 2 rituals, a pair of moxen, and three lands is no way to start a game. Unless your land includes the Academy or the Library, you’ll probably want to throw that bowl back in and go for the Jell-O mulligan.

But the best part of Jell-O is that one small box makes a lot. There’s almost always enough for seconds. So when you’re done with your first game of Magic, play a second. And a third. And so forth. But do be careful. I once ate so much strawberry Jell-O that I got sick, and my vomit was all red. Luckily I have yet to hear of a single case of someone getting physically sick from Magic. So perhaps Magic is superior to Jell-O. Perhaps….

In those precious moments after I’ve finished writing, and am considering what editing changes I’d like to make, that I really miss the Mockery clause for The Tome submissions. And if my other article on “How to Write an Article” gets published, one might argue that I’ve violated almost every one of my own writing suggestions. But my purpose was entertainment, so if you snickered, laughed, or even smiled once during the read, my job here is finished.

(Jell-O, Cool Whip, and Magic: the Gathering are trademarks of their respective companies and used completely without permission. Please don’t sue me.)